An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution.

His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, ‘What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I’m not reheating it’. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was  told that her husband’s client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked,drying his legs and feet.

‘They’re not hanging Wright tonight,’ she said.

He whirled around and screamed, ’FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON’T YOU EVER  STOP?!’

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1. A man comes into the ER and yells, “My wife’s going to have her baby
in the cab!” I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, Lifted the
lady’s dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed
that there were several cabs —and I was in the wrong one..

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and
slightly deaf female patient’s anterior chest wall. “Big breaths,” I
instructed. “Yes, they used to be,” replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA

3. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, “How
long have you been bedridden?” After a look of complete confusion she
answered”Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.”

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Corvallis , OR

4. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with
purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of
tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly
determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled
for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating
table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and
above it there was a tattoo that read, “Keep off the grass.. “Once the
surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient’s
dressing, which said, “Sorry, had to mow the lawn.”

Submitted by RN Anthony Links, Los Angeles, CA

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After every flight, a pilot fills out a form, called a ‘Gripe
Sheet’ which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The
mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and
then pilots review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are
some actual maintenance complaints submitted by American airlines’
(though I’ve heard this is about QANTAS as well) pilots (marked
with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance
engineers.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
Descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny……….. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last………………
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

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It’s Raining, It’s Pouring
Oh sh!t, it’s Global Warming.

Jack and Jill went into town
To fetch some chips and sweeties.
He can’t keep his heart rate down
And she’s got diabetes.

Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her
Between two chunks of bread.

Mary had a little lamb
It ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its @rse
And turned its wool to nylon.

Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play
He kissed them too cause he was gay.

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass
And grabbed her ass
Now two of his teeth are missing.

Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was white and wispy.
Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease
And now it’s black and crispy.

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1. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2. It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss’s car.

3. Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5. If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy’s fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.

8. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest

9. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing

10 You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of fart entertainment, she’s officially your girlfriend.

11 It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach … And it’s delivered by a topless model and only when it’s free.

12 Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13 Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.

14 Friends don’t let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15 If a man’s fly is down, that’s his problem, you didn’t see anything.

16 Women who claim they ‘love to watch sports’ must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17 A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18 Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that’s just greedy.

19 If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you’d better be talking about his choice of beer.

20 Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she’s withholding sex pending your response.

21 Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
A) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
B) C’mon, give me one more! Harder!
C) Another set and we can hit the showers!

22 Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing (I.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc.). For all other
situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23 Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24 The morning after you and a girl who was formerly ‘just a friend’ have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you’re feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

25 It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26 Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

27 The girl who replies to the question ‘What do you want for Christmas?’ with ‘If you loved me, you’d know what I want!’ gets an
Xbox. End of story.

28 There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men’s Gymnastics. Ever.

29 We’ve all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:

‘GUTS’ is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, ‘are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?’

‘BALLS’ is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, ‘You’re next Fatty!’

We hope this clears up any confusion.

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